It really feels like I don’t exist. Sometimes, most of the time, I don’t know. Lives around are going on moving in directions,thingsare happening whether they are good or bad. For me nothing happens and it is me that makesnothing happen. I am too torn between wanting to scream for somebody to look at me and being not visible at all and leaving that ‘I am okay’ layer on the outside. So, I go on thinking about myself and trying to care for those few people that don’t really see me but I still care for the sake of caring and because I still believe they have a good heart. God, everything feels so superficial and this is nothing I ever wanted.

(Source: campinomadinelpetto, via skin-and-or-bones)

(Source: doctor-payne, via le-petitmoineau)

Today is the 21st of june and I am nowhere near where I want to be. I am not stressing myself. Ok, I am but I have both accepted my fate that in order to reach whatever goal I set myself I have to work (out) hard continously. It is final exam time. I am loaded with stuff to study. I get out to go to classes or write an exam and come back home to study. It is almost like that. It is no excuse but I am living with facts. I will keep on doing my best even though it never seems to be enough. There is too much to die and yet too little to live life.

(Source: thesearetheprettiest-bones, via skinny-kills)

(Source: id-ratherbethin, via krankenhaus)

The beginning of summer is 11 days from today. I know very well I won’t reach my goal by then. I knew it in the beginning. It was supposed to serve as a motiviation. It did in the beginning but last week I could have done so much more, so much better and I just let it slide. Falling into habits. I feel like every week where there isnothing lostis in factlost.Not gainingweight is just not supposed to be satisfiying for me. Brain, get that, please.

(Source: wasted-wonderl4nd, via jeogji-todo)

jen-lawrence:

(Source: distraction-is-pretty-ugly, via le-petitmoineau)

(Source: jaghetermarilia, via le-petitmoineau)

I have no real idea what it must feel like to have a positive outlook on life. Positive but realistic. Being honest and not faking it. Being content with yourself and your life for the most part and accepting it as it is. Not always having to strive for change, for something else, for something better.

(via krankenhaus)

(Source: ynsana, via le-petitmoineau)

I know I don’t have many followers but if anyone reads this and can recommend some thinspiration tumblrs that are not solely black and white but aren’t 100% fitspo either I’d be very thankful. If you happen to know some please answer here. Thanks.

Edit: Thanks iiamlosingweight, I guess that’s why I follow you, hehe :)

What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain? 

89lbs. Parents and their pressure to make me look healthier for university application processes. I am not putting it on anybody but myself though. I gained too much because of myself, always eating in between mealtimes, indulding on high calorie food, not watching at all whatever I ate and most importantly if I was even hungry. All the while I sat around a lot (classes, studying) but did not get up and moved my fat self (i.e. exercised). 

Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

No, not at all. It started off as something like self-punishment. I only started realizing skinny/very thin people in real life as well as in the media after that. 

How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/ pro-mia?

This is not a lifestyle so I do not condone pro-ana / pro-mia. There are reasons these are considered as sickness/disorders. 

Have you ever purged? If you have, describe your first experience? 

I have but only a handful of times. I cannot really remember it well despite feeling sick afterwards. My face was a spotty red mess for days because of all the broken capillaries.